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living

(This is an edited repost from an Ezine Article that I wrote in 2014)

I have always dreamed of becoming a writer, having a great relationship with my husband, being completely present in the lives of my children, and having complete faith and trust in God. However, for most of my  life I have allowed myself to become plagued by fear and anxiety, leading me to avoid many of the things I wanted and settling for some things I didn’t want. I was so afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone that I failed to go after those things my heart truly desired. I suffered from knowing who I really was, what I really wanted, and what I was capable of accomplishing. One day I hand an epiphany.  My life was passing me by, and  if I were to leave this world at that moment, what would ‘they’ say about me?  Who’s life had I touched? What experiences did I share? What had I accomplished? I searched my heart and I came to realize that I had not been present in any memorable moments.

One of my sisters had asked me on several occasions  about some times in my life that she remembered being a part of and I could only vaguely recall those times. How could she remember moments that should have been important to me in my life when I could not? I knew I was there but all of the important details were like faded words on a chalkboard. I had been mechanically living from day to day, but not savoring any of the moments.  When at work, I could not wait for vacation. While on vacations, I worried about things that I needed to do at home. When I found myself being swamped at work, I found myself just wishing I had time to just relax at home. The problem was, I had no idea what it looked like to relax. I worried about the past and I worried about the future while the present was passing me by. It was time for me to learn how to savor the moment and learn how to live life on purpose.

Through self reflection I began to realize that even though I was not even aware of it, I had made some strides in my life. The problem was that I was so busy thinking about what future things I needed to do, and past things I should have done, that I allowed my present moments to just slip right through my fingers. And many times, those future things that I worried so much about, never materialized for many reasons and the things of the past, well, there was nothing that I could do about that. I had no written goals, I just had wishes. I read somewhere once that a goal not written is just a wish; and I had just been wishing my life away.

I started writing down goals in a little green notebook. I wrote not only career goals but personal goals, making sure I included some fun goals. I found if I just allowed myself, I could actually enjoy the times spent with family on vacations, with friends or just some time alone. I started enjoying my times in the kitchen experiencing a new recipe. I found that I still enjoyed reading and writing in my journal. I dug into my storage box and found my old journals and began to write one of those novels that I had told myself that I would write… some day. I completed the novel and published it in 2012.  I  now enjoy writing blogs, newsletters,  poems and creating new recipes. I find reasons to laugh, time to travel, and enjoying nature. I even go camping! I have become so AWARE of all the things and places that I enjoy and the many things that I am capable of accomplishing. I made a decision to  set goals to retire in January 2015 and work for myself at home. (I actually did it!)

I love finding quiet places to read, write, sing, listen to music, creative DIY and culinary projects as well as gardening. These activities really give me a sense of calmness and create smiles on my face and joy in my heart. I love being completely absorbed in the moment, savoring the enjoyment of it all. I always look forward to exploring something new.   My soul is nourished and I am able to transcend the  limits I had allowed other people as well as myself to place on me. My goal in life  now is to savor each  moments and live my life on purpose.